


Alone

by draculard



Category: Mulan (1998)
Genre: Character Study, Crossdressing, F/F, Fem!Shang, Loneliness, Pre-Relationship, Trans Male Character, Trans Shang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-18 21:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22866712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/draculard/pseuds/draculard
Summary: Mulan isn't the only one with a secret.
Relationships: Fa Mulan/Li Shang
Comments: 7
Kudos: 101





	Alone

He can’t pretend he has a noble reason to lie like this; he would dress as a man with or without a war. 

Since he was a child, this has been Shang’s favorite hobby — to dress in boys’ clothing, to convince other children he was male. He could convince anyone, no matter how skeptical they were, even when he was wearing full makeup and a _qipao_.

It’s in the way he walks. It’s in the set of his jaw. The way he moves, the way he speaks, all of it conveys exactly what he wants to:

That Shang is a man.

* * *

His father has no choice but to accept it. In truth, there have been days where Shang wonders if his father isn’t fooling himself, just a little — if he isn’t a bit too willing to accept his eldest daughter as a son. 

But then, who _doesn’t_ want a son? His father’s willingness to self-deceive serves Shang well, in any case. He looks the other way when Shang begins introducing himself by a man’s name, when he begins dressing in men’s clothes at all times.

When he enlists.

* * *

It doesn’t occur to him that there might be others like him around. When he meets Ping, he notes the narrow shoulders, the high voice, the softness of his jaw. But all Shang thinks is:

See? Even natural men look like women sometimes.

He compares himself unconsciously to every man he meets. The broadness of his shoulders, the flatness of his chest, his height and muscle definition — all sufficient, all quite natural. The women in his family are tall, flat-chested, and narrow-hipped, and this works in Shang’s favor. He sees other men in the army who are shorter than him, who are cursed with slight, feminine curves, who speak softly and subserviently, who mince their steps.

Having Ping around annoys him as much as it comforts him.

Having Ping around assures him his secret is safe.

* * *

It all comes crashing down, of course. It always does.

When he sees the bandages around Ping’s chest, for just a moment, Shang thinks he’s going to vomit. His throat tightens; his mouth fills with bile.

He clenches his jaw and pushes through it.

His first reaction — his first _emotional_ reaction — isn’t what he thought it would be. He doesn’t feel relief that there’s someone else like him out there. He doesn’t feel like he’s less alone, or like he finally has the potential for a friend, for someone who truly understands him.

What he feels is disgust.

He remembers all the clues leading up to this, all the feminine traits he noticed and dismissed. Traits he learned how to conceal or eradicate barely a year into puberty; traits he’s always successfully suppressed. Ping’s own attempts at deception are so weak and pathetic that Shang can’t force himself to feel what he knows he should.

So he leaves her, the only person who could ever really _see_ him, kneeling half-naked and alone in the snow.


End file.
